Drag Forward

I used to have a problem constantly of falling asleep while driving. It doesn't happen to me anymore, I'm not sure why, but it used to be a pretty regular thing. I'd be driving home from work and my eyelids would be intent on closing. It would take all my concentration and will to force them open periodically so I could see the road, and it was very frustrating. Most days I'd be fighting it all the way to my destination, but occasionally I'd get overwhelmed and, for a brief instant, I would actually fall asleep. Then I would jerk back awake, and be suddenly, fully awake. Wide awake. I always wondered what that was--one moment I can't force my eyelids open, and the next I'm completely awake. It's not like you're going to be refreshed by one second of sleep.

That happened on a small scale this morning, the morning of losing an hour to daylight savings. I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower, feeling very sleepy. (First I went downstairs and let the dogs out and put the coffee on, and I was still sleep-walking.) I had a perm on Friday afternoon, and I'm not supposed to wash my hair until tomorrow. So I got in the shower, washed my face, and absentmindedly picked up the shampoo and washed my hair. I was just looking at the conditioner and deciding whether to use some, when it dawned on me what I'd done. And just like that I was wide awake. Do you have to catch yourself doing something you're not supposed to do in order to wake up? Maybe I zone through each day because I was too successfully socialized. Maybe I ought to plan some occasional rule-breaking as a means of feeling more awake and alive. So I'm trying to decide what sort of guilty behavior to plan. It seems like it would have to be a new sort of guilt, not the old sorts that I'm already accustomed to.

This morning's wake-up didn't last very long. Right now I could crawl back in bed to have a nap with no problem at all. (And I'm supposed to go and wash two dogs. Oy.)